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Instead of “The Irishman”, this movie should be called “Unemployment Insurance for Old White Men Who Otherwise Couldn’t get a Job.”  Imagine the tallest Siberian Spruce in East Russia in the dead of winter with sap running down.  This movie is slower than that.  For an agonizing 3 hours and 29 minutes, I endured pointless exclamations, worthless scenes with no dialogue, and events that give the term, “suspension of disbelief”, a whole new meaning.   To buy into this, you must believe the following: That a 75-year-old man can kick the crap out of a guy half his age. (Robert Dinero) That this same old man has a 25-year-old digital face, yet still moves like grandpa.   That a 5’3” geriatric fossil who looks like he’s on leave from a nursing home is a notorious East Coast mob boss feared by all. (Joe Pesci) That a 79-year-old man who constantly screams at 150 decibels is a respected leader of America’s most powerful union. (Al Pacino) Allow me to “Help me, help you”, and condense this tedious pile of air into four sentences:  Robert Dinero plays Frank Sheeran and drives a truck to deliver beef.   Joe Pesci is Russell Bafalino, a big-time crime boss; and Al Pacino is Jimmy Hoffa, the  head The Teamsters. Dinero befriends Pacino and Pesci and becomes a mob hitman for Pesci. Pacino gets too big for his britches and Pesci has Dinero kill Pacino.   There you go.  You’ve just added 3 hours to your life! Some other painful and ridiculous items: The movie starts off playing “In the Still of the Night”, and slowly strolls through a nursing home to finally arrive upon an aged Robert Dinero.  Ten minutes of absurdity. The flick is littered with old 50’s tunes, one after the other.  Who knows why. Harvey Keitel shows up as a mob boss and has maybe a minute of screen time.  Whatever. Lastly, to show the charitable side of Hollywood, this ridiculous montage of senseless scenes is then nominated for 10 Academy awards.  It went 0 for 10.  The dialogue is so predictable, you can easily guess the actor’s next lines.  Like Hollywood, I too will be charitable and give this movie a much higher rating than it deserves.  Sucks.

The Irishman

Imagine the tallest Siberian Spruce in East Russia in the dead of winter with sap running down.

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The public is starved for anything that’s original with some entertainment value.  Anything please that’s not a cheap re-run or retread comic book.  Something! Well, this flick has all the elements of a great movie: 80’s nostalgia, sports heroes, middle-aged losers that win.  So how can you screw it up, right? I’ll tell you how. Firstly, when did it become in vogue for actors to get fat for movie parts? Ever since Dinero did it for Raging Bull, it’s been popular.  Matt Damon plays Nike Marketing agent, Sonny Vacarro, who signs Michael Jordan.  Sonny saves Nike, everybody’s job, and signs Jordan to a revolutionary deal that pays him revenue share.  Damon gains weight for the role to show Sonny as a fat guy.  Why? I looked up Sonny on the internet.  He doesn’t look fat to me.  I don’t get it.    Also, Phil Knight, played by Ben Affleck, has this funky wig.  Maybe it wasn’t meant to look like a wig, but he looked like Marty from Goodfellas.  Dumb.  Then when Knight walks into a meeting with Jordan and parents, he’s intentionally late, interrupts, and makes a buffoon out of himself.  The Jordans should have left right there.  It wasn’t entertaining.  It was bewildering. Jason Bateman plays a Nike Marketing guy and says in the middle of a meeting that he has to take a sh__.  We then cut to him on the throne while Sonny is doing a number 1 and they’re having a heated conversation.  Wow! In the first 3 minutes, we get a collage (there’s a new concept!) of every single 80’s symbol imaginable.  New Year countdown to 1984.  Ronald Reagan.  Rubik’s Cube.  Jazzercise.  Hair parted down the middle.  Walkman.  Atari games.  Cassette tapes.  Pac-man.  Then, to reinforce that we’re still in the 80’s, they jam 80’s music down our throats every single minute of the movie.  It starts with Dire Straights and ends with Bruce Springsteen. At the end, we get summarized captions of what happens to everyone(yet another original idea!): Sonny saves the day. Sonny is involved with a court case to let college athletes profit off their name, image, and likeness. Jordan becomes the greatest NBA player ever. Jordan makes a ton of dough. Nike kicks ass. Please save your money on this B movie.  Simply set your Spotify to “80’s music” and read the five bullets above.  That’s all you need.  Lastly, how’s this for irony: Sonny helped Jordan, Knight, and college athletes make millions of dollars; yet it’s Sonny that clips coupons in a van down by the river.  Sad.

Air

Firstly, when did it become in vogue for actors to get fat for movie parts?

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Many believe, as do I, this was one of the greatest movies ever made.  It set the precedent for gangster films, and even movie-making, worldwide.  The screenplay was flawless.  The music, cinematography, sound, editing: fabulous.  The acting is so great (maybe not Talia Shire?) that you do not see actors that portray characters.  Instead, you eavesdrop on real people in a real story in time.   The casting is spot-on (in spite of all the haggling prior) and starred the legendary Marlon Brando.  It launched the careers of so many movie icons: Al Pacino, Robert Dinero(later in Godfather 2), Diane Keaton, Robert Duvall, James Caan, and Francis Copella; to name a few.  It’s a masterpiece, and if Copella had done nothing else, he would still have cemented his place in movie-making history with this great work. Having said all that, let Mr Rude change into Mr Woke  and give this film the tongue lashing it deserves. Mr Woke’s Review: I found this movie offensive and appalling.  It’s like, the movie showed all Italian Americans as criminals and that is so not true.    At the wedding, Jonny Fontaine whines to the Godfather and almost starts to cry, as all men should on a daily basis.  The Godfather gets pissed at this, slaps Johnny and tells him to “act like a man”, whatever that’s supposed to mean.  Vito Corleone then proceeds to mock Jonny.  Hmmmmm.  Ah, excuse me, but where does this “person” get off treating another human being like this? Such toxic masculinity! This scene was disturbing.  And when the five families meet to discuss a truce, did you notice that they are ALL WHITE MEN?  Not a single woman.  No diversity.  Just lily white, heterosexual men.  Total lack of inclusiveness.  This made me feel so marginalized.   At the end, did you see how Michael “mansplained” to Kay about her “asking about his business”? And then he flat out lies to her.  Like, who is he? That man needs serious counseling. This movie has no sympathy or care for the environment, with all the smoking and combustion vehicles.  Really, the whole mafia culture seems oppressive and mean.  I do not approve and I do not appreciate that.   To regain my sanity, I had to isolate myself in a safe space with blanket, puppy and “woke pop” music for three days.  This movie made me fear for my safety.    Do yourself a favor and do NOT see this monstrosity! Thank you for listening.

The Godfather

It set the precedent for gangster films, and even movie-making, worldwide...

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Whenever Adam Sandler gets bored basking in his millions and wants to go on a trip, he makes a movie. Such is the case here. But first, let’s get this glaring observation out of the way. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being really hot looking, where would you put Adam Sandler? A generous 4 maybe? Now look at some of his top leading co-star love interests: Selma Hayak, Jennifer Anniston, Kate Beckinsdale, and Jessica Biel. They’re all 10’s. 10’s don’t go out with 4’s; even those that have millions of dollars. You get what I’m saying. So once you get past the impossibility that this super hot chick would give Sandler the time of day(unless it’s for a children’s charity event), then you can feel free to enjoy the movie. Unless of course, it’s a Sandler bomb, which most of his movies are. He should have quit while he was ahead 20 years ago. With him, it’s either hit or miss. And this flick is a capital M. I. S. S. Watching Anniston made it somewhat tolerable at times, while I covered my eyes to avoid Sandler. We also get some good views of Hawaii and Paris. Other than that, the script is about as formulaic as a recipe for plain mashed potatoes: Adam and Jennifer are detectives invited to a friend’s wedding, things go wrong, Adam and Jennifer save the day. Brilliant. The end leaves us in suspense as Adam and Jennifer are stranded on a flying helicopter after the pilot steals their money and bails out. Let’s all hope the screen writer does something right and kills them off so we won’t be subjected to Murder Mystery 3. This movie is beyond terrible, but because it has a couple of hot chicks and Mark Strong, the accomplished and respected British actor, we’ll move it from “Complete disgrace” to “Not too crappy”. But this begs the question, how exactly did they get a guy like Mark Strong to be in such an amateur-hour piece of nothingness? I think here’s how the conversation went: “Hey Mark! Adam Sandler. My producers thought this pathetic movie I’m making needs gravitas. So I thought I’d ask a well-known British actor like you to star as the bad guy. You interested?” “No thanks.” “OK. How about we pay you $2,000,000 for 30 days shooting with all expenses paid to Hawaii and Paris?” “Where do I sign?” And Wala! Netflix gets to add another masterpiece to its library.

Murder Mystery 2

Other than that, the script is about as formulaic as a recipe for plain mashed potatoes...

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If you yearn for a complex plot with robust character development and complicated twists, do not see John Wick.  But if you want to be entertained from start to end, you should see it.    In the first 5 minutes, we go from a New York City panoramic view to a Middle Eastern Desert with Wick on horse, chasing and killing guys.  Soon thereafter, we get our first, “Walecum  Meeester Weeeeek.”   Of course, a minute later, Meester Weeek takes out his peeestol and does what he does best.  It takes off from there.   I won’t bore you with the plot because even if you haven’t seen this, you can pretty much write it yourself.  If you think of something along these lines, you’d be dead on:   1.  Bounty is placed on John Wick.  He is chased. 2.  He runs, chases back, and kills.   3.  Wash, rinse, repeat.   4.  John Wick wins. Oh ya, our hero dies at the end.  Boo.   Lingering questions: Winston, Wick’s mentor, shoots Wick off the roof at the end of John Wick 3.  In this movie, John openly forgives Winston this trespass.  Why? Winston “made a mistake”.  Had a bad day? Error in judgement? Come on! Some things are beyond apology.  I don’t get it.    After a pistol duel at the end, poor Wick is suffering from multiple gun shots.  He needs serious medical attention; like, right now.  His friends are all around him calling him a great guy and a bad ass.  Surely, they can see his six bullet wounds.  Yet nobody bothers to call an ambulance.  Nice friends.   Also, I’m curious, how many of you have actually been shot at point blank range while wearing a Kevlar vest? How about more than once? How about 1,984 times like John Wick suffered in twenty minutes? The pain and agony and shock of just one shot deflected by Kevlar is a life altering event one would never forget.  Yet Wick and friends can take it.  Amazing.   In short, this movie stretches the boundaries of ridiculousness.  Countless bullets are effortlessly deflected by Sumo Wrestlers that wear Wonder Woman bracelets.  Yet more bullets  are deflected by guys that wear razor thin Kevlar suits(hint: those suits don’t exist).  People still live when they should be dead.  Cars smack into people and they just bounce off and carry on.   It’s a shameless, killing choreography that some would be embarrassed to say they enjoy.  I’m not.  I love it.  But because the whole script is shorter than this review, and the screenplay was the result of an 8 th  grader winning a class writing project, I have no choice but to give this flimsy excuse for a movie the rating it deserves: “Not all that crappy.”      Now they’re talking about a John Wick 5.  Sure!

John Wick 4

If you yearn for a complex plot with robust character development and complicated twists, do not see John Wick.  But if you want to be entertained from start to end, you should see it.   

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